Building Trust & Boundaries: Starting a Subdom BDSM Relationship

Embarking on a Subdom or Dom/sub (D/s) relationship can open up new avenues of trust, connection, and intimacy between partners. However, it requires a foundation of understanding, consent, and clear communication to create a safe, fulfilling dynamic. This article walks you through each step, providing insights for beginners on everything from the basics of BDSM to establishing safe words, defining roles, and more.

This guide is intended for beginners and provides detailed insights into every aspect, from understanding BDSM basics to establishing trust, communication, and boundaries.

What It Is: BDSM is an umbrella term that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Within this broad category, individuals can adopt various roles and activities. BDSM is based on consent and involves exploring control, trust, and sometimes power exchanges in a relationship or scene.

How To Start Learning:

• Research and Reading: Begin with reputable books like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. These books explain the responsibilities of dominant (Dom) and submissive (sub) roles.
• Online Resources: Look up BDSM communities like FetLife, where you can join forums to learn from others and access a variety of articles, discussions, and guides.
• Understand Consent: Familiarize yourself with Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK), which are fundamental approaches to BDSM emphasizing informed and voluntary participation.

Why It’s Important: Consent is the cornerstone of any BDSM relationship. It involves clear agreement on what is allowed and what isn’t. Boundaries help each partner feel secure and respected, knowing that certain areas are off-limits.

How To Establish Boundaries:

• Discuss Boundaries Openly: Each partner should list things they’re curious about, things they might be willing to try, and hard limits (things they absolutely do not want to try). Use a “Yes, No, Maybe” list to structure this discussion.
• Hard vs. Soft Limits: Hard limits are non-negotiable, while soft limits might be okay to explore slowly over time.
• Reassess Periodically: Boundaries and interests may evolve. Make a habit of regularly checking in to discuss if anything has changed.

What Safe Words Are and Why They Matter: A safe word is a pre-agreed word or phrase that instantly stops or pauses any activities, ensuring that both partners feel secure and respected. Using a safe word helps maintain trust, knowing that anyone can pause the experience without needing to explain immediately.

How To Implement Safe Words:

• Choose Words Everyone Remembers: Many use the colors “Green” (okay to continue), “Yellow” (slow down/check-in), and “Red” (stop immediately). This system is simple and memorable, even in intense moments.
• Reaffirm Before Every Scene: Even if it seems redundant, re-state the safe words before each play session to reinforce that stopping or pausing is always okay.
• Respect the Safe Word’s Power: If anyone says the safe word, all activity should stop immediately. Take time to check in emotionally and physically, especially if the sub or Dom feels uncomfortable.

Understanding D/s Dynamics: Dominance and submission can range from mild to highly structured dynamics. In BDSM, a Dom typically takes control or makes decisions during agreed times, while the sub agrees to follow, trust, and sometimes surrender control. However, the roles should feel empowering, never forced or uncomfortable.

How to Define Your Roles:

• Discuss Desires and Comfort Levels: Each partner should express their interest in the roles. For example, a Dom might enjoy guiding or controlling in the scene, while a sub might feel fulfillment from trusting and following.
• Establish Expectations: Decide how often you’ll assume these roles (e.g., only in specific scenes or in everyday life) and what these roles entail (such as commands, obedience tasks, or physical play).
• Consider Rituals and Titles: Some couples use titles (like Sir/Ma’am or Master/Mistress) to reinforce the roles, but only if it feels natural and enjoyable for both partners.

Why Contracts Can Be Useful: A BDSM contract isn’t legally binding, but it helps set expectations, boundaries, and responsibilities. Writing things down ensures that both partners have a clear understanding of what’s agreed upon, creating a sense of security.

How to Draft a Contract:

• Outline Roles and Responsibilities: Define the main responsibilities of each role. For instance, the Dom might be responsible for safety and emotional support, while the sub might focus on obedience within agreed boundaries.
• Specify Limits and Safe Words: Write out hard and soft limits and clarify the safe words that both partners should remember.
• Revisit and Update Regularly: Relationships and interests can evolve. Set a time to review the contract (e.g., every 6 months) to ensure it remains relevant and agreeable for both of you.

Why Routines Are Helpful: Starting with low-pressure play sessions helps you get comfortable in these new roles. It allows each partner to learn what they enjoy and builds a foundation of trust before moving into more advanced activities.

Ideas for Beginner Play:

• Simple Obedience Exercises: The Dom might give small, respectful commands (such as “Look at me” or “Kneel here”), which the sub can practice following to explore obedience within safe boundaries.
• Light Bondage: Try using soft restraints like silk scarves or Velcro cuffs. Start slow, only using these in comfortable positions, and frequently check in.
• Establishing Rituals: Small daily rituals like the sub waiting for permission to eat, or the Dom saying goodnight first, can help establish the D/s dynamic without needing complex scenes.

Why Communication is Essential: Communication is the backbone of any successful BDSM relationship. Honest conversations keep both partners safe, heard, and respected, ensuring that needs and concerns are regularly addressed.

How to Communicate Effectively:

• Regular Check-Ins: After each play session, spend time discussing what each of you enjoyed and any discomforts or concerns that arose. Consider asking questions like, “Was there anything you’d change?” or “Did anything feel uncomfortable?”
• Use a Rating Scale: For example, rate enjoyment or intensity on a scale of 1-10. This can make it easier to discuss subjective feelings and adjust as needed.
• Create Space for Feedback: Approach conversations with openness, especially if either partner wants to suggest changes or new ideas.

What Sensory Play Involves: Sensory play is a great starting point for beginners because it can be as mild or intense as desired. It involves stimulating or depriving the senses to create different sensations.

Beginner-Friendly Ideas:

• Blindfolds: Start with a soft blindfold to remove the sense of sight, enhancing sensitivity and anticipation.
• Ticklers and Floggers: Use feather ticklers or small floggers to explore sensation play. Begin lightly, allowing the sub to give feedback, and gradually explore other textures or tools as comfort grows.
• Gentle Bondage: Use beginner-friendly restraints, like soft cuffs or bondage tape, which don’t require knots and are easy to remove if needed.

What Aftercare Is and Why It’s Important: Aftercare is the process of caring for each other after a scene. BDSM activities can bring up intense emotions, so aftercare helps both partners return to a calm, neutral state.

How to Practice Aftercare:

• Physical Comfort: Cuddle, hug, or hold hands. Many people enjoy simple physical comfort to feel grounded after intense play.
• Emotional Reassurance: Give each other positive affirmations, like “You did really well” or “I’m so proud of how we communicated.” This reinforces the bond and supports mutual respect.
• Check for Needs: Ask if they need water, snacks, or a quiet moment alone. Emotional and physical needs can vary, so communicate openly.

Why Reflection Matters: BDSM relationships evolve, and so do the interests and comfort levels of both partners. Regular reflection allows you to keep the dynamic healthy, enjoyable, and respectful.

How to Reflect and Adapt:

• Journaling Experiences: Many people find it helpful to keep a journal to record thoughts and feelings after a scene, which can be shared with each other during check-ins.
• Formal Check-Ins: Every month or two, have a conversation about your overall feelings about the dynamic. Discuss what’s working, what could improve, and any new interests or concerns.
• Stay Open to Changes: The dynamic should always feel satisfying, safe, and consensual. Be prepared to adjust or even take breaks if either of you feels uncertain about continuing.

By following these steps, you’ll establish a foundation of trust, communication, and exploration that can lead to a fulfilling BDSM or Dom/sub relationship. Remember, patience and empathy are key as both of you navigate this journey together.